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224 THE CONFESSION OF A FOOL
Marie, on the other hand, identified herself with the
crazy endeavours to increase women’s rights and liberties,
and fully endorsed the new doctrine that the woman who
deceives her husband is not guilty, because she is not his
property.
I could not degrade myself to spy on her, I did not
want proof which meant death to me. I wanted to deceive
myself, live in a world of my own, which I could create
at my pleasure.
But I was deeply wounded. I doubted the legitimacy
of my children ; I was haunted by the suspicion that
although they bore my name and were supported by my
earnings, they were yet not my children. Nevertheless,
I loved them, for they had come into my life as a pledge
of my future existence. Deprived of the hope to live
again in my children, I floated in mid-air, like a poor
phantom, breathing through roots which were not my
own.
Marie seemed to lose patience, because I lingered so
long. It was true before witnesses she treated me with the
tender love of a mother, but when no one was present
she tortured me, just as the little acrobat is pinched by
his father behind the scenes. She tried to hasten my end
by cruelty. She invented a new torture ;
justifying her
conduct with my temporary weakness, she treated me as
if I were a cripple. One day, proudly boasting of her
physical strength, she threatened to strike me. She
rushed at me, but I seized her by the wrists and forced
her down on the sofa.
"Admit that I am the stronger, in spite of my
illness !
"
She did not admit it ; she merely looked disconcerted,
and, furious at having made a mistake, she left the room,
sulking.
In our mutual struggle she had all the advantages of
the woman and actress. It was impossible for me, a
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